MESSAGES
*** LATEST
NEWS ***
April 17 - Advisory
to all Rocky City Residents:
Since 1990, the Water Closet Inspections Bureau has recorded
possible injuries while residents were apparently using water closet or bath
facilities within their homes. Public Safety is the ultimate priority of the
WCIB and its agents. Five special subcommittees and two independent
laboratories have been studying detailed documents, sensor readings and video
data, recorded by residential appliance sensors and cameras during the past
seventeen years, and have just announced that approved Rocky City personal
toilets, when used according to their owner's manual documentation, are
completely safe. None of the 1,282 recorded fatalities are believed to have
been equipment-related.
However,
many of these appliances are now aging. Several persons have reported smoke,
sparks, and even flame from their water closets. While the WCIB report states
this is harmless, it is suggested that older units be taken to an authorized
service center (Fragg Hardware stores) for service and upgrades. Rocky City is
matching a limited-time rebate from Fragg authorized service centers for a
total cost reduction of 15% off the regular $5,280 upgrade charge for any
Roctot toilet manufactured prior to 1998. The additional fee of $2,000 for the
Water Closet network disconnect / reconnect permit fees may be waived for
elderly residents while Fragg Hardware has also agreed to provide priority
service for approved elderly or handicapped customers, usually assuring that
the toilets will be returned in one week or less.
Important notes: 1) Citizens are not allowed to
disconnect city network connections to any part of their home toilets. Only
WCIB agents are authorized to temporarily disable flush sensors and cameras. 2)
If you do locate an unconcious person in a bathroom within your home,
particularly in cases where an accompanying smell of electric arc or burned
flesh might be noted, or if you see flames coming out of your toilet, please
call the WCIB right away. Avoid using any fixture within the same bathroom
until agents check for any safety problems in your
equipment.
ROCKY CITY LEGAL DEPT: "The ROCTOT
Crapper User's Manual does not mention "turning on" any water valves after
connecting the water supply lines. Therefore, any owner who has "turned on"
water to or near these waste appliances withuot specific, written authorization
has violated safety rules for the safe operation of their toilets, endangering
life and property, and may, consequently, be arrested if they attempt to sue
Rocky City for equipment malfunction." -Lucius Vasiline, City Legal
Dept.
January 7th: 250,000 Rocky
City residents attended one of the largest celebrations in history when the New
Era of Progressive Challenge speech was delivered by Mayor Stagg on Sunday
afternoon. This directive will include activation of NEPC rules, requiring the
Water Closet Inspections Bureau to serve all citizens by eliminating crime in
our city, providing for future resource management, and ensuring NEPC goals for
the new Century. The legal framework for NEPC will become effective on January
15. Please see NEPC RULES
AND REGULATIONS which affects all Rocky City residents after January. See
also, NEPC, How It
Works.
Male Birthrate %
Going Down: Rocky City scientists, recently interviewed at Fragg's Fritter
& Flapper Lounge, explained Rocky City's extensive program to monitor
environmental concerns for residents, to keep them safe and healthy. With
worldwide drops in the percentage of males born to females in industralized
countries, concern about xenoestrogen contamination from toxic wastes has been
a hot topic in the news. Rocky City's own astrophysicist, hydrological engineer
and trash inspector, Damn Fifth, peered intently into his scotch & soda,
then assured reporters that he had not seen any "xeno-things" around Rocky
City. In a jovial mood of security concerning our city's environmental health,
Mr. Fifth then added, "But I do recommend that you try to avoid breathing."
Mayor Stagg's recent State of tthe City Address noted that Rocky City
consistently tests as one of the cleanest American cities in our nation. All
tests and carried out here in our city by Fragg Labs, to ensure accuracy of
test parameters.
Rocky City
residents were beseiged by winter storms that brought much of Colorado, as well
as our city, to a halt several times. The estimated costs to airlines from
cancelled flights and delays were nearly $1 billion. Yet, our new city water
engineer, Damn Fifth, reports that global warming and ozone depletion have
nearly dried up beer reserves, and that additional rationing and increased
water fees for all residents are inevitable this year. Also, flushing
violations, shower and bath sensor overruns, watering violations and rage
incidents against WCIB agents by citizens will be harshly punished. Any attempt
at network disconnection of cameras or other sensors, as well as all water use
violations, will be investigated immediately at any time of day or night. It is
every citizen's duty to the community to report suspected multiflushers to
agents. Look at your neighbor's house for signs of multiflush criminal
behavior, such as buckets by back doors or hoses run into their houses at
night. Also listen to noises from your water pipes that might indicate that a
neighbor is illegally consuming water. Our precious water is a resource that we
must all share. |
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