On December 26, 2003, R.C.'s own
Dr. Frankenfurter, on a grant project in New Mexico, USA, discovered what is,
by far, the oldest-known human remains.
find was the work of Dr. Frankenfurter's staff of experts; the result of years
of expert analysis.
Few of the
world's expert archeologists would have expected any find such ancient
materials, or have imagined a find of this kind to be located in New Mexico.
But when Dr. Leakbottom of the Scottish Society of Old Dead Things was
contacted by RMCN reporters explaining that Dr. Frankenfurter's staff had
located the relics, Leakbottom said, "Aye, that explains it."
experts worldwide would question any finding by our Dr. F., as he is the
acknowledged leader in the industry.
pieces of fossil were discovered by the team, from which a computerized
representation of the complete being, now known as Elsie, has now been
report classified one piece as a bone of the middle toe of Elsie's left foot,
and the other fossil as her left eyebrow. Dr. F. provided his team's report for
Surprisingly, the dig happened to be
located on a golf course behind a well-known resort hotel east of San Simone,
Arizona. The doctor was visiting the course when he happened to miss the 7th
hole. After an argument where the course management refused to refund the famed
doctor's course fee, his keen eye detected one of the now immortalized
fragments and a dig was begun with federal grant monies totaling over $800,000.
Now a huge archeological dig, the monies have yielded some of the most
important and amazing facts that science has ever known.
instance, Elsie was a blonde, about five feet two inches in height, with a
characteristic set of dimples when she smiled. Elsie preferred cranberry sauce
or chutney with nearly every meal. Elsie also liked the color green, and men
who weren't afraid to cry. She frequently played with her pet saber tooth tiger
between attacks from huge dinosaurs.
Thursday, Elsie traveled to a beautiful, blue mineral pool to bathe, and often
spent that night "with the boys" partying, or playing an early form of chess.
Additional details about Elsie's life are discovered by Dr. Frankenfurter's
staff each day, as further excavations are conducted on the former golf course
using a fleet of bulldozers. Additional grants for excavations during 2004 have
already been provided by government and private organizations.
reporters were fortunate to locate the eminent paleontologist, Dr. W. Frond,
peering over the precipice where the former resort and golf course had been
located. Frond provided additional comments about the remarkable discoveries:
"Well, ol' Hot Dog was chipping toward the 7th just after this Labrador ran
across the course and squat in front of the flag. F's ball stuck in the Lab's
dump for sure, and F was sure mad about it, arguing with some official, but
later, when he pulled it off the ball and started yelling -eureka! -like that,
he was holding it up and screaming that he'd found Elsie's toe... It was
certainly an exciting discovery."
provide additional updates about the discovery process of humankind's
matriarch, Elsie, in future editions.